The Secret to Embodiment

I died when I was 30-years old.

Well, not in actuality because I’m still on this planet, but I almost died.

March of 2004, I contracted Group A streptococcal pneumonia and Septic shock. After a week in the MICU and being in a medicated coma, I woke up.

When I came to, I experienced an intimacy with my body like never before. The searing pain from the feeding tube, chest tubes, and intubation were a reminder of the ordeal my body endured. I learned to lean into pain instead of trying to ignore it. My bodily recovery took a month in the hospital and several years post-surgery. At times, I went through what seemed an endless cycle of pain and the only way to cope was to give myself over to the cresting and falling of sensory agony. I also experienced moments of supreme elevation and joy! It was a privilege to breathe, to eat, to walk, and to feel. I had a renewed sense of gratefulness for my body and my ability to be embodied.

Whether it was intense pain or intense joy, my body provided a portal for an experience of present moment consciousness. When I panicked or tried to hide from the sensations, it was far more painful than allowing my body to teach me what it means to be alive in the here and now.  I also learned a profound lesson about acceptance and surrendering to what is present.

In essence, to be embodied is live in an awareness that our mind and experiences cannot be separated from what happens to our physical hardware. The mind informs the body and vice versa. In fact, there is research to suggest that what we conceive of as the self (mind, consciousness, soul, what-have-you) is not separate, but aspects of the self are tied together through the embodiment framework which is a union between the experiences of the body and the mind.

Prison or Path to Liberation?

But what if we perceive our bodies to be unsafe? An enemy that needs to be starved, beaten, and cajoled into submission? Did we have unhealthy ideas about our bodies as children? When did they become a source of pain instead of an experience of joyful discovery?

Many trauma survivors, including those with PTSD, C-PTSD, and other traumas (sexual, developmental, combat, religious, institutional) have difficulty with embodiment. Difficulties show up in an inability to meditate, to be alone, or we fall into trances created by addictions, suicidal ideation, or dissociation. Emotions and physical sensations coming from bodies may make trauma experiencers feel ashamed, isolated, broken, and in need of escape.

Dr. Bessel A. van der Kolk in his ground-breaking book extolling the importance of somatic therapies for trauma recovery writes:

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (p.97)”― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

  Like many of my clients, I've also tried to flee my body because of the effects of trauma. Who wants to hurt? It sucks! The experience of trauma, whether physical, social, emotional, or spiritual, can be visceral as van der Kolk observed. When I began working through my own trauma, I experienced emotional pain as a physically agonizing forcefield around me. My lips, fingernails, and teeth would ache with torture of it. Eckart Tolle explores this phenomenon with his conceptualization of the Pain Body.

Yet, what if instead of a prison, the body could become a gateway to a more expansive expression of consciousness and even a way to become more connected to ourselves, each other, and the world?

In Dr. Gabor Matés recent book, The Myth of Normal, he says that trauma separates us from our bodies and may “represent a fracturing of the self and one’s relationship to the world. That fracturing is the essence of trauma (p. 23)." The separation from our bodies does have some positive benefits and is a way many of us with childhood trauma were able to cope with atrocities.

Maté continues, “Oddly, this self-estrangement can show up later in life in the form of an apparent strength, such as my ability to perform at a high level when hungry or stressed or fatigued, pushing on without awareness of my need for pause, nutrition, or rest. Alternatively, some people’s disconnection from their bodies manifests as not knowing when to stop eating or drinking—the ‘enough’ signal doesn’t get through (p. 26)."

Maté also advocates for a different way of envisioning the trauma experience. Often, we think of trauma as something that has been done to us through an external circumstance. But Maté challenges this notion by saying that trauma is an internal event that creates a profound sense of wounding and disconnection.

“The news gets better: seeing trauma as an internal dynamic grants us much-needed agency. If we treat trauma as an external event, something that happens to or around us, then it becomes a piece of history that we can never dislodge. If, on the other hand, trauma is what took place inside us as a result of what happened, in the sense of wounding or disconnection, then healing and reconnection become tangible possibilities. Trying to keep awareness of trauma at bay hobbles our capacity to know ourselves. Conversely, fashioning from it a rock-hard identity—whether the attitude is defiance, cynicism, or self-pity—is to miss both the point and the opportunity of healing, since by definition trauma represents a distortion and limitation of who we were born to be.” (p. 35 The Myth of Normal)

So how do trauma experiencers and survivors reclaim their bodies and selfhood?

Van der Kolk, Maté, Janina Fisher, and other leaders in current trauma research and treatment emphasize the necessity of being embodied. It’s only by acknowledging, reconnecting, and working with our bodies that we can recalibrate our sense of self as trauma experiencers. The easiest way to make friends with the body is to notice what is going on by scanning from head to toe. What sensations am I experiencing? What emotions? Where do I notice tension and ease?

I love Pema Chödrön's take on this exercise. In her book, How We Live Is How We Die she says, “feeling what we’re feeling is a practice” and can be summed up in a simple mantra: Embodied, Present, and Kind. First, we take a minute to scan our bodies from head to toe. What is the sensation I’m feeling? What is the emotion I’m experiencing? Notice the sensation, and instead of ignoring it journey deeper into what is going on without judgment. I have a pain in heart right now. What if I sit with it and ask what it wants me to know? After connecting with the body, thank your emotions and sensations for the knowledge they impart about current and past circumstances. Try to practice kindness or compassion for this amazing vessel that wants to partner in your healing process.

  Without learning how to be embodied, it is difficult to work through our trauma. Why?  Our sensations and emotions are a map to what is real in our lives. Even though we are often taught to fear and suppress our emotions and bodily sensations, if we learn to notice and embrace the wisdom of these bodily mentors, we become more present and less buffeted by traumas of the past and anxieties for the future. Through paying attention to our emotions and sensations, we process difficulties in real time and are able to develop self-awareness.

Like the Rumi poem The Guest House communicates, they (emotions) are "guides from beyond." Or as Karla McLaren says, anger lets us know boundaries have been crossed, jealousy lets us know we didn't feel prioritized or seen in our relationships, and sadness shows us how to let go of what no longer serves us. There is no reason to fear sensation or emotion if we come to a realization that they are signals from our body to act as mentors and teachers on this journey to greater understanding, healing, and consciousness development. Nothing we experience in this plane of existence is wasted-every moment is a jewel, a pearl of great price, a celebration of sensation.

Namaste.